An Xmas meet-up of around 10-15 former colleagues presents both opportunities and worries. All the ladies in the group except two already know about Sophie. Only one of the men though – and that was accidental (see this article) although he was on the list I was planning to tell.
That left a substantial number not “read in to project Sophie”.
It was suggested to me that I should just turn up in girl-mode unannounced. I don’t feel like doing this because of the reactions I have observed previously when someone I knew was undergoing an actual full transition M2F.
They were embarking on a phase of living full-time presenting as female, which was announced to all employees. The reactions split broadly three ways; those who had absolutely no issues with this and just accepted it, those who didn’t have a problem with it per se but found it rather incomprehensible and surprising, and a few who did have problems with it.
Whilst it might be “their problem” if people react badly, I don’t particularly want to make an event awkward if this is easily avoidable. For anyone who found it surprising and incomprehensible, it would give them an opportunity to ask questions and get used to the idea. For anyone who had more serious problems with it – well, it would give them a chance to decide not to come, maybe.
Thus I chose to tell everyone likely to attend and not already aware, and see what their reactions were. I’ve never tackled this for such a large number of people in a short time before, and I find it a little stressful – although less stressful the more people I tell.
As I had hoped, not a single adverse reaction. And some interesting revelations; I now know that one old colleague has a son who was previously a daughter, and another has a close friend with a daughter who was previously a son. One old colleague might be away for work and unable to come, but once I’d told them they said they really hoped they would not be away now so that they would not miss meeting my alterego.
A few conclusions emerged from this. Firstly that I seem to have friends and colleagues who are very accepting – maybe much more so than the population average. All the people I work with are highly intelligent – they have to be for our chosen field, so maybe this is not that surprising.
Secondly that (at least amongst this group), society seems to be far in advance of many politicians. I suppose this shouldn’t surprise me at all really, given the pitiful state of UK politics and especially of the politicians currently in power.
Thirdly, that a surprising number (to me) of people have come into contact with people transitioning gender or with otherwise non-binary attributes – people they care about. This makes it something less alien, less “other”, and this helps a lot. A surprising number of people quietly understand that gender and gender identity is more complex than simplistic tabloid notions.
However, there are some – a very small number of – people whom I cannot see myself telling. They are the ones who have said or referenced things which maybe they didn’t really think through – or maybe they actually believe them.
Here’s an example which I found quite disturbing and offensive. I mean, quite apart from the obvious glaring factual inaccuracy in humans, and some interesting counterexamples amongst other animals, it is clear that someone believing this has never encountered anyone with Gender Dysphoria – or, more likely, has, but the individual concerned preferred to keep it hidden from them because their attitude. And keeping such things hidden is bad for the mental health of those affected – which can have dire consequences.
(deliberately badly cropped by me)
Personally I now call myself Bigender if anyone asks, which seems best to match my girl-mode/boy-mode presentations. It’s a fairly straightforward split for me; she/her in girl-mode, he/him in boy-mode. No desire to lose either, they are both part of me.
Sophie Baskerville 